Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway