Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.