I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker