You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
They’re really bad with fonts.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
this has to be peak English
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.