If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien