Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self