Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
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Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
You are what you delete.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.