*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”