*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
same bro
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.