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[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday


Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.


Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.


I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.


*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!


Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.


Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose


In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.