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@michaeljhudson

Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@imadepoopstoday

Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.

@kibblesmith

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

@iamkevinito

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

@nonchalantnacho

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

@Thynebear

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.