Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.