@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

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@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

@EndhooS

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@GaryJanetti

A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@okimstillhungry

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

@oigoabuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

@ItsAndyRyan

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

@Sammart123

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

@mydmac

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house