*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.