@jazmasta
@KimmyMonte
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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@KimmyMonte
@electrolemon
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
@Aspersioncast
If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
@4SLars
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
@JoshuaGrubbsPhD
Easily one of the best social distancing ads I’ve seen
@not_thenanny
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
@4SLars
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
@RitleySammich
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
@iLikeCatShirts
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
@Jandalize
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.