Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I put the hot in psychotic.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate