@jazmasta

*sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?

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@KimmyMonte

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

@electrolemon

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

@Aspersioncast

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.

@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

@not_thenanny

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

@4SLars

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

@iLikeCatShirts

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.