*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.