@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

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@CelebrityChez

Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

@000___000

? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?

@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

@NewDadNotes

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

@LorieGZ

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

@GrantTanaka

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

@CatherineLMK

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

@Iwriteforcats

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

@botandy

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

@MarieLoerzel

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.