@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

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@Darlainky

You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.

@Ideal_Victoria

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

@clinicallychill

Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”

@runolgarun

Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.

@Gupton68

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

@Alex_Houseof308

Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.

I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed

@isabelzawtun

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

@OfNorthAmerica

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

@mattZillaaaa

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar