My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
JAMES BLUNT: You stink
JAMES TACTFUL: I bought you this perfume
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.