*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

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You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.


All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”


Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”


Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.


The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.


Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.

I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed


When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot


I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.


My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar