*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

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My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.


I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle


I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.


Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks


Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”


[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someoneโ€™s dog


I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.