Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ?
and cousins toooo ?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
CDC: you should wear masks
everyone: where do we get masks
CDC: idk. just need you to wear them
WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.