@envydatropic

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

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@megancollins

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

@ibid78

🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶

@KenJennings

Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ?
and cousins toooo ?

@daemonic3

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

@skeletonpup

CDC: you should wear masks

everyone: where do we get masks

CDC: idk. just need you to wear them

@jordan_stratton

WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”

@MomOnFire

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.