HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*
Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.
Me: (to genie) take his fingers
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…
Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.
Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it’s because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor