@thenatewolf

*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*

Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.

Me: (to genie) take his fingers

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@freshestginger

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

@WilliamAder

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@4handfuls

Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…

Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.

@Megatronic13

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

@buhsbaby_baby

When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it’s because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor