@U_Want_Shum_M8

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

You Might Also Like

@Staggfilms

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

@murrman5

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

@TjSmooth0

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

@DanMentos

*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

@lasergirl70

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

@Kids_kubed

Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here