*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

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[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.


trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training


I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.


*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”


4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?


Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.


Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!


People fear what they don’t understand:

4th grade math word problems



ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here