*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Sunday
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Krampus.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?