COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: can you close the door
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY