@Fred_Delicious

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

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@RiotGrlErin

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

@anymysha

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

@PickleRudd

Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”

@AndyAsAdjective

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

@Shen_the_Bird

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

@roxiqt

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@SINGING_GHOSTS

i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats

@mack44_d

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

@GinAndJif

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY