*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
A bold strategy