(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
channeling her this year
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
i wish we could shoplift online
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable