Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.