@Brampersandon_

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

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@AndrewNadeau0

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

@mrdaveturner

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

@ThaJawn

Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car!

Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location

@FeverFlave

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

@internetluke

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

@FattMernandez

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

@robfee

The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor

@Kica333

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

@MariyaAlexander

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.