[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
You Might Also Like
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.