*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Sharon, call the vet
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo