@maurajbg

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

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@kadyngriffiths

Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.

@OllyiConic

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

@Marlebean

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@hoeroins

someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year

@divyne_mess

Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.