[at my high school reunion]
Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?
“Dude that was in 1991.”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“What’s your strongest trait?”
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]
Me: say it
Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me