*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
The fall of Netflix
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.