Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.
Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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Is your wife single?
this is the best interaction on twitter
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year
Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
They are not wrong.