@Cidisn

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

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@DadandBuried

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

@omgthatspunny

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.

@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.

@LackOfShame

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

@underchilde

Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@PinkCamoTO

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.