80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
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My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.
“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.