Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
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The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My phone never asks me to put my husband down.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum