@Cidisn

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

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@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@JoshontheGo

I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.

@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

@Lisabug74

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@Darlainky

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@jackiembouvier

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.