*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.


I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.


Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!


i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing


I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.


Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!


You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.


i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao


I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.