@Cidisn

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

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@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@Reel2Dialog2

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@markydoodoo

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

@thedad

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

@RickAaron

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum