Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Dance like you’re not the father
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My daily affirmation
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.