@Chumpstring

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

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@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@hxnlxne

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty

@dshack8

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

@Maxine12333

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

@primawesome

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

@BruceForce

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

@krisv_723

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.