[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
You Might Also Like
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?