[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.