@Playing_Dad

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

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@awkwardphilippe

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

@SondraDeeMe

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

@debon7

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

@MandiAtRandom

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

@BuckyIsotope

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

@FailShark

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

@fro_vo

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

@jedfudally

someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here

@SteveAmiri

July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.