ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death
Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here
July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.