If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.