*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
You Might Also Like
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Baller is short for ballerina