Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Maybe a nap will cheer me up!” she said knowing full well she’d wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
*braids your voodoo doll’s hair
Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA
Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles