*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Free him
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
🤣😂
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Squirrels before girls.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t