@dogsrverycool

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

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@Jamberee13

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

@kalindi_rana

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

@smickable

“Maybe a nap will cheer me up!” she said knowing full well she’d wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.

@ThaJawn

*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA

@DanLaMorte

Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning

@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@yaboydil

Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles