*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.