[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
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The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢