*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough