@HonestToddler
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
@alyssawolff
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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@HonestToddler
@_troyjohnson
Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.
a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”GloriaFallon123″;s:5:”image”;s:68:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/614026754/Gloria_small_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”231766307383697409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”89″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.””;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
@Pierre__4
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
@heyevergreen
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
@TheAlexNevil
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
@lasergirl70
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
@TheAndrewNadeau
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
@GaryJanetti
I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.
@Starlight2112
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.