@alyssawolff

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

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@HonestToddler

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

@_troyjohnson

Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”GloriaFallon123″;s:5:”image”;s:68:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/614026754/Gloria_small_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”231766307383697409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”89″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.””;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@TheAlexNevil

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

@lasergirl70

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

@TheAndrewNadeau

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

@GaryJanetti

I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.

@Starlight2112

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.