Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’
As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”
Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”
Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.
DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.
PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.
DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.