[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Breaking news:
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”