@InternetHippo: *sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived
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@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: So do you have any hobbies? SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor HER: What?! HIM: Just ventriloquism
@rachelle_mandik: ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
@meghaffer: I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I'm good now.