@InternetHippo

*sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived

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@lenadunham

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@olivialoughlin3

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

@NicCageMatch

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult

@metickleu

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

@Shade510

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

@cdpeck

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

@PortRooster

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!