[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now