when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.