Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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I’m not slurring, I’m speaking in cursive.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Make it a Great Friday by not getting nailed to a cross.
mom: wanna see me do a flip?
wow: too late
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!
*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…