[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
We’re all getting idioter.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.