*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight*

Wife: Can you imagine being that strong?

Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.

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[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.


[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me


If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.


*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
“You ready?”
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*


My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.


[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus


The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.


That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”


– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car