*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I can’t be the only one 😂
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’