*sees any 3 stars in a row*

“that’s orion’s belt”

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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones


A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.


Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?


No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.


Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B


I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.


Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.


If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it’s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.


When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.


Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut