@kristendrum

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

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@House_Feminist

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

@juliussharpe

A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.

@sonictyrant

Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?

@MableGertrude

No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.

@CynicalCanuck

Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B

@JermHimselfish

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@Home_Halfway

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it’s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@ClichedOut

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut