“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
HELP 😭
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m not wrong
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?