@Dildo_Hitler

*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”
“YES. AISLE B, BACK”

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@3sunzzz

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

@JuliaChildCIA

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

@junejuly12

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

@gwatts77

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

@WittySassBasket

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

@sweetandweak

Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.