@Dildo_Hitler
*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”
“YES. AISLE B, BACK”
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@3sunzzz
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
@JuliaChildCIA
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
@daemonic3
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
@junejuly12
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
@DurtMcHurtt
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
@gwatts77
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
@WittySassBasket
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
@frickntriedrice
I can’t stop laughing at this
@sweetandweak
Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.