Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.