*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.