*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
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6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
ouch
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things