*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
What the dentist sees
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
5 ways to appear taller
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*