@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

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@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

@bonehugsnirony

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

@SadieSkyNinja

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

@socarolinesays

I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water

@DadandBuried

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@andlikelaura

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

@ArfMeasures

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

@Jdxthompson

When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth