*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy