@DumbConfessions

*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”

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@Parkerlawyer

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

@inmyimage007

My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume

@Gooooats

If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

@Not_DeeAnn

17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?

@Tups13

I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.

@97Vercetti

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”