*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”

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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:



My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume


If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.


Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.


17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?


I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.


whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro


BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”