I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*sees couple holding hands*
*violently breaks them apart*
“Go. You’re free now.”
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My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.
*adds gourmet chef to resume
If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
17: I’m locked out
Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar
17: What’s the fake rock look like?
I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.
And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math…”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”