I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
i’m still crying at this
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent