Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
i’m sure it’s fine
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.