[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
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“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.