[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
You Might Also Like
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Um … Hot Wings please
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s