Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[Sees cute barista]
I’ll have a quickie.
Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn’t die. I’ll turn it on next time.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.