If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.