@LosLos__

[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.

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@OctopusCavemann

St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven

Me: Wow! An open bar!

St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink

Me: *slips him a fake ID*

St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music

@don_haworth

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@nbadag

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?