[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.

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When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace


Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.


45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn’t die. I’ll turn it on next time.


Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa


People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.


Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now


If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.


5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.