St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven
Me: Wow! An open bar!
St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink
Me: *slips him a fake ID*
St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music
[Sees cute barista]
I’ll have a quickie.
Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Him: What’s your cup size?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Stupid is an understatement for this one
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I am drinker.
Hear me pour.
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?